Remnants Of That Which Is My Very Existence

(Otherwise known as a BLOG.)

This page is under construction, in case you're wondering why it looks all messed-up-ish-like.

Also, don't pretend you know what I mean because you have no idea.

I don't write here anymore. If you want to keep up with the happenings of my life, I've put a link to my newest journals on the link page.

June 7, 2008

And to think my evil genie was the devil all along. Now so many things make sense that never did. But I'm still solving mysteries. Such a complex world I live in. (Don't we all...)

For one, what's holding me back? I don't think I get it. I have everything I need to just go for it, but somehow I can't. Pretty soon, it'll get like it always does. All my blood will rush to my head, and I'll be out cold. Every last time. And if I could just do this now, before things get to that point... what? What will happen? What CAN happen? I already made myself and the rest of the world a promise and I'm saving everyone a lot of pain by committing to it. That is, if I can. Oh, what am I talking about? What gives me the slightest idea that my promise will ever again be in danger of being broken?

I've just realized how shy I really am. Anyone who knows me well wouldn't believe me, because among friends, I'm pretty open. But among people I don't know... I can pretend it's all okay, but some of them make my heart stop. Those are the ones I fear. But I have no reason to feel like I'm being judged because I can tell I'm not. Open-mindedness makes me blush? A paradox if you think about it...

I felt your eyes on me when I struggled to keep mine off you. Or vice versa, hopefully. I know you keep your mind open, I pray you'll let me in. A laugh can mean so many things.

And don't try to understand me. You'll fail miserably. I've already established that no one thinks quite like me...

(Apparently, I need that kind of thing nowadays...)

"Remnant" Awards. 2007.

So I'm gonna start giving out awards to my entries because of how awesome they are. I know you care. =D

These ones are all 2007; I say this so I won't have to update on the ones I already awarded. Because, well. I'm just lazy, really...

And here goes. ^_^

Friday, August 10, 2007

The fair was insane!! I would have written about it last night but I fell asleep...

Anyway, it all started when Dad dropped me off at Dylan's house around twelve to get ready with her. She was ready before I got there, so we went outside and picked the icky apples off the ground so they didn't rot and smell.

Eventually, Dad came back to get us, and we got in the car. The whole ride there, we just talked. It's hard to say what about, but we hadn't seen each other since April, so I'm guessing... everything.

We got to Eagle River, and went to a street sale thing, because we were early. After I bought some fun makeup, I thought I saw Tate. I'm not sure though; he was a lot taller and his hair was longer, he also wasn't wearing glasses. But I really think it was him. He was gone before I was able to say anything to him... =C

At the fair, because we were early, we did some browsing around. I bought a blue striped scrunchie, and Dylan bought a headband and a bracelet, and somebody blew something up. O.o

Sooner or later, five o'clock came around, and the rides started. we tried to be as nice to Gracie as we could, taking her on a few rides she wanted to go on, but we ended up in line for Zero Gravity (much like the Gravitron, but there's no roof, it's vertical, and it seems like it's breaking), a ride she wasn't particularily interested in, so we parted ways there.

After that ride, I convinced Dylan to go on the Skymaster with me. After going so fast, and flying upside down so many times, she didn't feel good. We sat down with a soft drink and chilled for a while, did some more talking.

We got kind of hungry, so we walked over to a cotton candy booth. There was an emo working there. He was a happy emo. =D Dylan asked for a small cotton candy, and he gave her a large. She says it was just an honest mistake, but I think he was into her. ;)

Afterwards, we went on the Tilt-a-Whirl. While in line, Gracie caught up to us again, and we took her on with us. She was telling me about this guy she saw with a cool hat... We rode a few more rides, and Gracie didn't feel good anymore, so Dylan and I went on the the Freak Out, a ride that we'd been gawking at the whole day. It went fast, and nearly upside down, spinning all the while. It wasn't at all as good as we were expecting it to be.

We got in line for the Zipper (cages that randomly spin upside down) and it was a long wait, because someone puked, so they had to empty all the cages and clean them. A bunch of people got out of line, maybe because of the wait, maybe because of the puke, but that put Dyl and me on the first wave. She considered getting out of the line, but we ended up staying.

Even with the seats soaked, and maybe puked-on, the ride was definitely worth it. Unlike all the others, it's totally random, and you never know what to expect. You could just be sitting there, and then fly backwards. We deemed this our favorite ride.

With nothing better to do, we rejoined the line right after we got off the ride. Most of the talking we did that day happened in line for the Zipper, because it was such a long line. We noticed that the more we talked, the more we said and thought the same things. It took me the whole summer to start doing that with Patraw, but only a few hours with Dylan?? O.o

Our second ride took us upside down backwards five times in a row, then once forward, and our third ride took us forward five times, then backward. And we talked to some kids in a cage across from us.

When it was our turn to get on for the fourth time, the cool-hat guy was in our cage! Therefore, hyper as I was, the emo-stalker giggle was born.

The ride was boring at the beginning, and we didn't flip once. Just as I was about to give up on it, we flipped a whole bunch of times. I think that was our best ride.

When we were going to get in line the fifth time, THERE WAS NO LINE!!! Not a single person stood between us and the empty cage (except maybe the ride operator...) We ran to the gate, and the operator asked us for our tickets. We had stamps on our arms, which are supposed to work for unlimited rides. We showed him those and he said they expired at ten.

Saddened greatly, not to mentioned bored out of our wits, I suggested a trip over to the cotton candy booth. ;) **Emo-stalker giggle.**

We were just waiting in line, and the emo looked at me and smiled. Not sure what to make of it, I just smiled back. I probably looked like a huge retard because he was expecting me to order... I told him Dyl was ordering, to help create the illusion that she was the dumb one. Don't quite think it worked... =/

She bought a carmel apple, and we sat down on our bench to eat it. We finished that and we wanted to go play some games, so I found my dad and asked him for money, but he told us we were leaving now to go have dinner.

I convinced him to let us stay longer. I watched Dylan blow her money trying to win hats and furry handcuffs. I didn't even try, worrying I'd break someone's face.

On the ride home, we talked some more. Again, I can't say for sure what about... But when we dropped Dyl off, I asked what she was doing next week, and I told her to call when she was free. After that night, I really hope she calls.

We'll see, I guess..?

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Okay, so maybe I just don't have an evil genie anymore. So long, Fernandez... Or... maybe I have to take control of this... Of what?!? There's nothing left! ...Or could there be? Not likely. I don't know... I don't seem to know much of anything lately... But I have to cut it really short this time because I have to go shopping... I guess I'll write later...

Friday, December 21, 2007

...He had to come over drunk, didn't he?

Needless to say, his plans ended in disaster... I got so fed up with his foolishness that I sent him on his way... Back to Michael's to have a few more too many...

Other options are gaining appeal. Some are laced with guilt; others may only be a mirage. Despite the oddity and plain injustice, some are disturbedly satisfying.

The more I think about it, the worse of an idea this party seems. Either it'll be me and a bunch of annoying, fucked-up people, or it'll be me being annoying and fucked-up toward the fully right-minded Steve, not to mention all the party guests.

Bad idea. I've released all trust...

Monday, September 3, 2007

"I'm a world traveller, y'all!"

...Okay... So I shouln't have started there. But I figured it was a nice opening line. =) Anyway, on to why I'm a world traveler.

It all started at about noon yesterday in Tracy's car on the way to a family reunion in Trout Creek. Patraw said she was going to come with the previously, but she decided not to. I, on the other hand, not only already felt obligated to go, but had promised that I would just as Patraw did. So there didn't seem to be a way out of this one.

It wasn't so bad at first. I spent about an hour listening to Senses Fail and eating crappy food. Then Tracy left for a walk and told me I had to watch Alex. I changed him, because his clothes were sweaty and peed-on. He fought me all the way into the bathroom and everyone was laughing. It was great. Then I went out to Tracy's car to get my CD player. But the car was gone. Apparently she had taken it along for her "walk."

Now I was pissed. Pissed and bored. I sat in a shady corner wishing that there was a way out. (Sometimes I wish for things and they happen.)

Just then, Gracie came around the corner saying that there was a phone booth right there. I was under the impression that this was my way out. But no one we called answered except Patraw, who couldn't even hear us.

So I sat back down. Thinking again... Wishing...

Tracy's car finally pulls up. Gracie and I kept telling her we wanted to go home, and she just looked at us. When she left, I got into the passenger seat of the car, grabbed my CD player, and sat there.

Gracie put her feet on my chair. She usually stops when I ignore her, so I did. Then she put her feet next my head. I ignored her. Then she put her feet on my head. Still, I ignored her. She moved my earphones around on my head and kicked me, and I continued to disregard it, in hopes she would stop.

Well, she didn't. She kicked me in the back. I don't know why it hurt so bad (she barely tapped me), but it did. I was able to make myself cry (and not just a little cry, a SOB; I was proud of myself) so she knew that she hurt and would feel bad. We argued for a while, and when I stopped talking, she put her feet on my chair again.

I got up and sat my corner. I was having a really shitty day at this point. I looked up. The sky was a perfect blue and something about the way the clouds were aligned seemed to resemble freedom. I looked at my CD player and one of the letters didn't work. But it did when you turned the CD player. Kind of like, there is a clear path home, but you have to take control of the situation.

So I stood up and told Gracie I was walking home.

She kind of followed me, and the next thing I knew, I was on the side of a highway outside of Trout Creek.

Sooner or later, we'd gone six miles and we were in some town called Kenton. We wanted a phone and water. So we walked into a bar.

After we got the water, I meant to ask the bartender lady, "Do you have a phone I can borrow?"

"How far is it to Iron River?" is what came out.

They all looked kind of shocked... I guess it was forty-five minutes in a car. We'd have been there by tomorrow had we walked. But some old guy gave us a ride. =D

And my mom was pissed. Because I'm stupid... And maybe I am stupid... But I'm still a world traveller... Y'all.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

You can't trust anyone. They won't stop laughing until they think you're dying on the bathroom floor. Even then, some will keep laughing.

I've been telling myself for the past few days that I no longer have a best friend. Now, I'm not even sure if I have a friend. You can't trust anyone to care, to be there, to keep a promise, to keep a secret, and, most importantly, to be honest...

I'm most angry with Kristi because it seems like she came over only to crush sleeping pills, mix them into a soda, pour them down my throat, and leave. That's a cheap, shitty way to get me to fall asleep first so Gracie could get me back for the cocktail sauce incident.

And I understand Patraw's neutrality, I'm most always neutral, but is drugging me something she should be neutral about? And then Gracie tells me Patraw was MUCH more involved than she claims to be. But even if she was, she gets a lucky break, because I can't trust my own sister anymore.

How fucked up is that?

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Yeah, it's been a while. I could just write and expect you to connect the pieces yourselves, but I may not be that heartless after all.

Then again, that is why Steve broke up with me... Or why he said he did. The truth is, his ex-girlfriend called, and he got sucked in like he always does. It hurt, but after a few days, I remembered how much I liked being single.

Right after that, Steve realizes what a big mistake he'd made, and regrets breaking up with me. This was just before he caught me "laying on top of Justin without a shirt on." I was really sitting next to him. Our shoulders were touching. Ooh. And I took off my top. I always take off my top. Big. Deal.

Steve got really jealous (which I won't hold against him; if someone else gets something you want, you have the right to be jealous.) But then, Travis and I were singing and having fun, because it was a PARTY, and Steve said that he "would rather us stab each other than sing." How is anyone supposed to have fun with someone like that bringing down the mood?? I took matters into my own hands.

I called everyone into the living room and made a bit of a speech. In short, I stated that anyone who is not having fun or will thwart the process of fun, otherwise known as Party Poopers, should leave. I wasn't directing this statement to anyone is particular, but after a few seconds, Steve stood, said, "That's me," and left.

The next day, he came over and sat next to me calling me cruel and just being a dick. He asked me why I did it, refering to the whole Justin thing. Well, why the hell not?! I'm single, and I was having fun. I did it because I could.

He told me I was self-centered. Perhaps I am. I've noticed a blossoming conceit in myself recently. I thought I just knew I was awesome. He also called me a conformist. He said I tried so hard not to conform, but there's no way someone could be a non-conformist. Having friends is conforming. Eating is conforming. Breathing is conforming.

And I think he's right. I felt so superior to everyone; so different. Maybe I never was. But what could be better than anticonformity? I thought about it over and over. And the solution is a simple one.

Be yourself. We all know it, but none of us really live by it. Maybe I never really loved myself, I just loved pretending to be different. Although I can't cite any examples of something I did just to be different...

Is this going to make me all of a sudden enjoy kissing? No. What I'm not sure Steve understands is that kissing is not me. I may have just realized that dating is not me...

And for more news on the genie... It seems that the more I break my own rules, the more wishes I get. It's not right. I'm not saying I don't like it; it's a hell of a lot easier this way, but it's unfair.

And what do I care? Here's that self-centered thing again. The world is mine, even though its people may not be. We want what we can't have.

I'll adore from afar, and enjoy what Fernandez provides.

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